Feeling Grateful and Guilty

Why, me, Lord?  What did I do to deserve this?

Familiar words, familiar sentiment.  Usually one lets slip these words when overwhelmed with woes and troubles.  Sadness and trouble come to every life, deserving [whatever that means] or not.  Children fall ill, jobs are lost, bills come due.  We obey the law, we try to do what we think is right, we try to love others as Jesus loves us, and still $#!+ happens.  Bad things happen to good people [which, it seems, is easier to accept than when good things happen to bad people--we hate that].

Thank you for Justice.  Thank you for forgiving us when we humans think we know how to judge what is Just.

Have you ever wondered "Why me, Lord?" in the midst of great joy?  I have a wonderful husband and strong marriage.  I have two beautiful, smart, healthy daughters.  I work at a job I was called to do.  My knee stopped hurting.  I have awesome friends [oops, is awesome better than wonderful? sorry, Drew].  God loves me.  I am thankful for all these gifts and more.  But

Why, me, Lord?  What did I do to deserve this?

So, imagine you parked the car under a tree because you wanted to keep it cool in the shade, but when you returned to the car, it looked like birds had been taking target practice all day all over your windshield.  Do you have that image in your mind?  [yeah, yuck] Now, take that disgusting car directly through a carwash.  When you get home, your honey-bunch [sweet-cheeks, sugar-lips, insert cutsie nickname of your choice] gives you hugs and kisses and whisks you out for a nice dinner because you got the car washed.  It's like that.  Basking, as you are, in all those hugs and kisses and cheesecake [imaginary dinners come with cheesecake for dessert], you can't help feeling a little guilty.

Thank you for trees and birds, carwashes and cheesecake.

God's Grace is like that!  Like super-amazing vanilla bean cheesecake for getting the car covered in bird poop.  [I'm going to hell for this.]  What the heck, God?  You love even me.  Here's the thing:  I'm not special; I'm about as normal as normal gets, pretty dull stuff.  So, if I'm normal, and there are times when I don't feel lovable, logic holds that everyone else who's normal, too, has times when they don't feel lovable.  Here's Grace:  You don't have to feel lovable to be loved.  Maybe you don't even have to  be lovable to be loved.  How many of us have had to abandon our full grocery cart and leave the store with a two-year old mid-tantrum, loving him still?  It's like that.

Thank you for logic, which gives us the silly notion we have a handle on things.  Thank you for Grace and for really having the handle on things.

So, I feel guilty.  I'm blessed with joys I don't deserve.  I will never deserve.  All I can do is live and love and work and try to be worthy.  I feel guilty.  There are good people in the world who suffer ills daily that they don't deserve.  The "fixer" part of me wants to fix that, but the "helpless" part of me says "I'm just one person!" so the "worrier" part of me frets and then I pray.  I don't have any answers.  Pray.  Praying is the best place to start for answers.  I have no other advice except that the best advice will come to you when you pray.  And when you pray, remember to say "Thanks."

Thank you for the storm before the peace.  Thank you for answers to questions we're afraid to ask.  Thank you for prayer.  Thank you, God, for loving even me.